Practicing Formation through Forming Practices

The start of a new year school is upon us and I know that they are many anxious children and teachers out there worried, but excited about the new year, just as are there are many jubilant parents who thrilled to return to the routine of the school year and consistent schedules. It is thrilling and also exacting to take on the structures and formation of the academic year. In preparation for the year, I have been thinking lot about my old teachers—who not only brought out a passion for learning but formed me to conform to good and civil practices. I quite fondly remember my 2nd grade teacher Miss Smith, who was one of those guardians of proper grammar and courteous etiquette. She enforced the law with us children—ensuring that students not only knew the difference between the conditionals “may” and “can” but always used the proper “please” and “thank you’s.” The class often jokingly called her the “polite police.” But she taught us enduring lessons. Although teachers do instill in us good faith and conduct, most of our moral and faith formation occurs at home in and through the parent-child relationship. In fact, in his 2014 book, Faith and Families, Vern L. Bengtson concludes that “displays of parental piety, like teaching the right beliefs and practices and keeping strictly to the law” are at best ineffectual “without deep emotional bonding.” I want to share my “go to list” of emotional bonding formational practices:

• Habits create spirituality, so the regular ways your family spends time together have the most impact on the development of belief. Play together, do chores together, cook & eat together, volunteer together, go to church together, do your own reading when the kids hit the books. How are our beliefs taught? We learn to do by doing.
• Children develop faith (and faithfulness) by being around dependable adults who follow predictable routines. Be steady, be consistent, be honest, be hopeful.
• Eat dinner together regularly, with parents and children cooking, setting the table, eating at the same time, and cleaning up together. What’s the benefit? You model good nutrition, you practice good listening, you create space for your children to explore ideas, ask their own important or trivial questions, and see how you handle conflict.
• Children naturally want to please adults and match their behavior to what is “OK” as they are led to perceive it. (Oppositional behavior or acting out is often a child’s response to mixed messages. All of us learn not only by what we are told, but also by what we see.) Model forgiveness and reconciliation by admitting mistakes and pledging to make a better choice next time. Humility is a strength.
• Model the values you hope to instill in your children: put down the cell phone (or internet or remote control) and pick up a book! Say nice things about people instead of tearing them down. Use language you wouldn’t mind hearing your children use. Give gifts without strings attached. Serve others.
• Children learn to make meaning (of good times and bad times) by watching how the adults around them make meaning. Use your children’s hard questions to share family stories of struggle and triumph. Draw on the stories you know from literature or the Bible to do the same thing, using examples that you have used in difficult times. (Children can tell if you are preaching. If you speak from the heart, they will know it, love it, and respond.)
• When your children are very small, read a wide variety of excellent storybooks to them. Ask the local children’s librarian to guide you to the best books, new and old, and use your local bookstore in the same way. The best stories will engage you, too! The Spark Bible or Brick (Lego) Bible offer an introduction to stories from scripture, but be sure you know the “adult version” before reading something that has been shortened for children. (Your kids will have questions!)
• Give thanks at the dinner table and when you tuck each other in at night. Pray in a way that feels authentic to you, and your children will do the same.

The Reverend Luke Fodor is Forma Board member, the Rector of St. Luke’s Church in Jamestown, New York, and the father of two boys (Aidan, 7 and Kieran, 5) who not only say their “please and thank you’s” but also their prayers.

• Category: Uncategorized